Double Dee's Unusable Wee
by kangaradical
Summary: EdxEddy oneshot yaoi donut like donut read WARNING FOR SMUTT!
"Eddy...oh Eddy…" Double dee groaned, holding the small troll man's head deep into the crook of his neck.

"We're doing the diddle baby," Eddy cooed, "Call me by my real name."

Double dee's breath hitched as his ass puckered with excitement - not from the arousal of the situation, but because hot damn Eddy had a neat name.

"Eduardo Dong Smasher….Oh-oh eduardo dong smasher!"

Double Dee woke up in a cold sweat. God damn it, this was the 3rd wet dream he had about his good chum in the past week. Luckily for him, he had been blessed with severe erectile dysfunction since the incident so it was impossible for Ed, who was sleeping soundly in a small bundle on Double Dee's ass, to be awoken by any throbbing trouser monsters.

Attempting to calm down from the hot mess, Double Dee stroked Ed's greasy hair gently. It was like sticking his hand in a bowl of motor oil. Ed hadn't showered in 7 years. At first it was a running bet when they were kids about who could get their ass the crustiest, but that boy took it way out of hand like holy shit. Seven years? No shower? Why Double dee, the Clean Freak of the cocksack, was letting this child of sin slumber on his cushy buns was a mystery to everyone present - which was, in fact, three other people. Double Dee didn't know them. They were just there, at the foot of his bed. Sitting. Watching. Waiting.

"I think, maybe someday soon, you should take a bath Ed," Double Dee recoiled his greasy gloved hand and swiftly replaced his hot rubbers with clean ones.

Ed stirred instantaneously and lifted his slobbering head, blinking the sleep from his eyes. His bloodshot glare bore into Double Dee's depths, gripping his nerves and wrenching his very soul into a knot of terror. "The fuck did you just say to me scrublord?" Ed grumbled, still curled in the fetal position for easier Double Dee ass access.

Stammering, Double Dee quickly twisted his head back around with a loud snap, stuffing his face back into his pillow. "Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh,,,," he hummed distractedly. But it was too late. He woke the beast.

Feeling the deepest sins of his commentary crawling at his back - coupled with the deafening stare radiating from Ed's hateful, smelly eyes - Double Dee allowed his mind to wander back to the sopping wet spicy dream about Eddy.

"Eduardo dong smasher…" Double Dee whispered into his moist pillow. Every night was a new incorporation of the name that made Double Dee's D shudder with that Special Gay Tingle. Except it didn't. Because his D is inoperable. :( "Eddard Cock, the king of the south…" He recited the first iteration, letting the sensation linger on his lips and also in his pillow. "Edward scissoring legs...oh…" Double Dee sighed happily.

"You rang?" Eddy crawled exorcist-style out from under the bed. Studio applause roared from within the closet. A faint voice segregated itself from the audience, interrupting its own disgusting laughter by saying "HAHA I KILLED A MAN LAST WEEK!"

Double Dee immediately turned red as he twisted his body around ferociously to properly greet the hot bald tot. "E-Eddy-sama!" He gasped, covering his not erect schlong for absolutely no reason at all because, after all, Double Dee cannot get boners. Ed was discarded to the floor in the process. He would never forgive, he would never forget. Double Dee was double dead to him.

"Word on the street is," Eddy began, referring to the socially inept lesbians that lived in the woods and foretold gay prophecies, "that you're having naughty dreams about all this." Eddy ran his hand sensually down his stump-shaped body. His body was a scientific phenomenon.

Double Dee slinked backwards into his cum-dumpster pillow. "WHAT NO I-"

"Shhhh…" Eddy sighed, running a sweaty finger over Double Dee's lush puckers. "If I had a shiny quarter for every time a good pal of mine got the tight pants for my plump rump, I could open a whole damn jawbreaker shop." He whispered, leaning into Double Dee for a long, sensual kiss. His green tongue flicked over Double Dee's entrance and the awkward clean freak immediately complied.

"O-oh, this is…" he hoarsely whispered into Eddy's mouth, "So...so dirty."

Eddy chuckled and broke the kiss to unbuckle his jorts. A 6" dong with a single hair smiled widely up at Double Dee, begging to be fondled. "Fondle me," Eddy said. "Fondle me with your rubber grubbers."

"I…" Double Dee stifled a groan, "I would if I could. But I'm saving myself for marriage, Eddy-samasenpai." Double Dee turned his head 180 degrees to face the camera. "And so should you, kids. Sexual pokes are no jokes, abstinence is the only way to stay cool. Instead, put on some hand condoms and wash a bathroom! Take out the trash! Play soccer with a good pal-BANG"

Double Dee's skull ripped apart from a point blank impact from a greasy pistol. Eddy screamed, falling backward off the bed into a pile of his own terrified urine and quarter collection. He looked up, shaking, to take in the shadowed, grim face of Ed as he held a gun to what used to be Double Dee's skull.

"E-ed…why…?!"

"No one tells me to bathe." Ed shifted his aim and fired a shot into Eddy's forehead. "You're double dead to me."


End file.
